Letter of Naked Aggression

While I am nobody and have no power to threaten anybody, I am often amused when I read letters written by powerful people who feel that the crime of lese-majeste has been committed, and are determined to avenge themselves upon the person who dared to question them or offended their sensibilities in some way.

I wanted to practice writing such a letter in case it should ever be required.

Let me know how this sounds.


Dear _________,

I think one day you will look back upon this day, and see it as a great turning point in your life, and I fear this retrospection will fill you with great regret and even greater sadness. Because you will realize you could have had a great and powerful ally in me, but instead you chose to try your power and your discernment against mine. And I see no need to rehash the details or overstate the obvious. You are where you are, and I am where I am for good reasons. I don't think I need to articulate those reasons here, and to do so would only be to revisit the Stations of the Cross you no doubt relive each night as you are falling asleep. If you do sleep, that is.

It took a great deal of work even to locate you to write you this epistle, but I have many friends to help me accomplish such tasks. Needless to say you could have been one of those friends. But now the time for that has passed, the drawbridge has been taken up and the moat is filled with alligators and other loathsome beasts, should you ever be so temerarious as to attempt to insinuate yourself into my good graces again. Let me just put the kibosh on any hopes that you might entertain along those lines and save you that last shred of dignity by saying right here that "it's not gonna happen." I realize that it has been forty-seven years but I have no doubt that you still excoriate yourself for that slight you made in jest, almost in passing.

I must now end this communication from a past you'd no doubt like to forget (though you never shall) as I have several loyal minions requesting my guidance, and if I am anything I am a benevolent cynosure to my minions.

I trust you will find some semblance of peace in this lifetime and that it will not be too painful for you to face your final hour, knowing that I can never offer you the clemency you no doubt crave the way Judas wished only to see his Messiah's eyes one more time before eternal death.

Warm Regards,

Uggi Person Esq., D.D.S., N.B.A., R.N., B.Y.O.B.